Ripple effect

I was so mad yesterday when I wrote a post, that a friend suggested I not post it. Now that I've calmed down, I still feel the need to talk about it, so here is it--just a bit modified.

Cancer is turning out to have rippling effects I never, ever expected. This last weekend was particularly difficult, with D handing me lorazopam to calm me down when needed. I mean, what can he say to help control my fears? No much. Well yesterday, I got into the worst even fight with a member of my family, on the phone, from work nonetheless --very professional. Sigh. They let me have it when they didn't hear what they wanted to hear about my plans. I don't think I have ever talked to them like that, like all censoring is gone, like I don't have time to be polite. Not something I ever want to have to go through again, but it was raw and honest --still, I don't think they see it that way. I know they feel powerless like a lot of people in my life, and they're not coping well. But I didn't do cancer to them, I didn't do cancer to anyone. Cancer just happened...to me. I think they're trying to do anything and everything to predict what could hurt me and try to prevent it, like telling me to give up my dog in case he jumps up at me after surgery. But instead of helping, it just added to my already overwhelming stuff. And like my friend J said, now that I'm in crisis, some people are having trouble accepting that I'm not who they want me to be in these moments.

The "oh come on!!" angry stage

I always wondered if the so-called stages of coping were really true. How could all of us go through big events in our lives the same way. Well, I'll tell you, in the last 2 weeks, I've been from total sadness, to denial to now, oh yeah, anger. I feel like Hower when he ate that deadly blowfish. Now, I'm going through the angry Why ME? thing. I am the poster child for not getting cancer. COME ON! And right now, I see articles about how to prevent cancer everywhere. Tonight, for example on Yahoo, there is one entitled "Eight praticle ways to avoid cancer":

1) Avoid tobacco --I have never smoked a day in my life. Not even tried. never. and I mean never.
2) Watch what you eat --I have been reading labels for years, I eat organic, low sodium, free range, air chilled, no fat, etc, etc, etc...
3) Stay in shape --I guess running, walking, yoga and pilates don't count.
4) Get immunized --I even get the flu shot!
5) Practice safe sun --I'm pasty white for a reason. Last tan I had was 1991. Not kidding.
6) Get routine screening --yep, an annual doctor's appointement religiously since I was 15.
7) Avoid or limit exposure to chemicals --I haven't used cleaning products, fabric softener, air fresheners, cosmetics, mass-produced skin lotions and shampoos in years. I even switched to medal water bottles and drank tap water before most of you. Really.
8) There was only 7, don't know how they counted 8.

So you see how I can feel that this is bull crap. What the hell? My whole adult life I have done everything in my power to be healthy. It's my thing. I sleep a lot, eat well, drink water, exercise, take my vitamins, and so on. What more could I have done? I guess none of it matters. Might as well have been a out of shape, junk eating, junkie. I'm mad.