Famous, maybe?

I should mention that I might end up in a medical journal of some sort, at least I hope so. I seem to be somewhat famous at the Civic hospital breast health centre --the staff all know who I am. Feels odd but not bad, I must say. All this because of the hoops I've had to jump through lately (the nurse's words, not mine) and because the cancer specialists learned something new about breast cancer showing up on MRI images with my case. That is definitely worth the week of limbo I went through. If this stops one women from having her cancer missed, then ok. Hoops are tolerable.

My doctor is also sending me for genetic testing because I have no risk factors that they can see, my mom was adopted and never had cancer, my aunts either and I have no sisters. This is for Claire and I'm glad she decided to do this for her, since it's not automatic.

The bottom, I mean bosom line...

Folks, here's it is. 1:30 hour appointment and this is what I came out with:

1) I'm smart and I did my homework. Good thing, because I can follow a doctor when she speaks about all this breast cancer stuff. I think she even was impressed with my memory.

2) My tumor is 2.1 cm which drops me in the Stage 2 cancer arena. At that size, there's 40% chances it has spread to my lymph nodes, but if it did, I'm still a Stage 2 (there's an A and B). The tumor is also close to my chest wall, but not attached to it. That's good news, but doctors don't like that closeness.

3) My bone scan shows skull and hip issues. That's disconcerting, don't you think? That means I either had accidents/trama or I have cancer there. I remember having a concussion at 7 or 8 and going to CHEO, so they will have that report.

4) I still have to go for 2 x-rays to check those bones. I also have an ultrasound next week and a pre-opp appointment where I will meet a physio therapist, get blood work done and a heart test done.

5) My surgery date is Thursday the 29th of January, exactly two weeks from today. No exact time yet. Had a feeling about that date. Who did I say that to? I will be staying over night and most likely be home on Friday.

6) Here is the biggy: I'm getting a double mastectomy. Yes, no more boobs. By doing this I don't add years to my life --since I'm now "in the system" and will be monitored closely. If cancer would ever appear in my saved breasts, they would find it right away. But that's not why I'm doing it. The stress of a lifetime of lumpy breasts, mammograms, biopsies and MRI's is too much to handle. I can cope with reality much better than maybes... And if I panic on surgery day, I can change my mind and get the lumpectomy. A mastectomy can come later if I want it. I might even get to avoid radiation depending on the lymph nodes and chest wall results.

7) Reconstruction will be a year later...2010 fresh new breasts! Yes, there are scars , my breasts will be numb for the rest of my life and if I have more kids I can never breast feed them (yep, apparently I will still be able to have children), but I don't care. I will have peace of mind.

Oh and the image is the oh so scientific drawing my cancer surgeon made for me... :)

Good news wrapped up in bad news

They WERE my MRI images and there IS cancer on them. Although I tried very hard not to think of it, I had hope...one week of hope. The good news, although it feels minimal now, is that there is no cancer anywhere else in my breasts --that the spot was so small they missed it the images. The odds are, I think, that I'm a stage 1 and it didn't spread to my lymph nodes...but what do I know. I should be happy, relieved, but I'm not. I'm sad and scared. Thursday I find out when surgery is.

Rounds

On Thursday I got 3 calls in 15 minutes from my nurse and other ones at the Centre. Yes, I have my own nurse now... Anyways, I was told that my doctor wants to bring my case up at rounds on Monday --this is where the surgeons and cancer specialists meet to discuss cases. I guess my case is one of those. Conflicting test results are never good. I should know more after that, and I have an appointment with them on Thursday. I told my nurse I was almost at my whits' end, and she said if she was me, she would be way passed her whits' end. I was offered the services of the social worker at the centre. I might have to take them up on that. At least I can still laugh.

Confused? Me?

This morning I went to my post-test oncology appointment, expecting a surgery date. Instead I got confusion. Apparently, the MRI I had a few weeks ago shows no signs of cancer. At all. Surprise! It's a Christmas miracle! Yes, you read correctly. So now my surgeon is confused and unimpressed, the nurses are confused, the centre's radiologist is working overtime to figure this out and me, I'm, well, pissed. The lumps are there so the assumtions are that a) the report isn't mine, b) the MRI images aren't mine, c) the MRI images are mine but the radiologist was in a rush to go home on Christmas eve and screwed up, d) the biopsy results weren't mine and so I might not have cancer, or e) all of the above...um, wait, that's impossible. So now I wait, again, on the mary-go-round. Maybe I should've asked about my bone scan. Or maybe I should just stop complaining. Nah. :)

Blogging for cancer

Tonight I'm browsing the Web for blogs. I found quite a few interesting ones about design, bands I like and such, and about cancer --shocking just how many of them are out there. The thing is, I don't want to be part of the cancer club, join support groups or read about every other woman who has gone through this. The more books I read, the more my heads spins. But I'm so afraid to miss something, a piece of info I should have known, that I go around reading it all! Then I feel like I don't matter since it's all been done before. Last time I felt like this I was pregnant; when I have to live something that so many others have lived before me, I bombard myself with info for fear of missing something. But oddly enough, I refuse to let others' experiences define my own. By trying to pretend I'm the only person going through this, I give my gut a chance to speak to me loud and clear. So I will go to bed and write down all the questions that have been going around in circles in my head --I will need them for tomorrow morning's appointment.

Hurry up and wait

Last few days before I get bitch slapped by reality. My pre-op appointment is on Monday at 9:15. Do I have cancer anywhere else? Do I have the choice to keep my breast? Scary thoughts but lets get this show on the road! I just want my surgery date so I can start living. Odd how that is, but this hurry-up-and-wait thing is hard to take. Before my possible amputation, I want a weekend with D and C de Lune somewhere, maybe Montreal. And I want the equivalent time as an escape for myself. I want to forget what I'm about to face --watch my movies, listen to my music, drink wine and read my magazines in the bath until my skin gets all wrinkly. That's what I want. And I plan to get it.