Blue is the only colour

3 weeks since my last chemo --I would be getting another round tomorrow if I wasn't done. I'm feeling more exhausted than ever before and a complete emotional basket case. I can't seem to keep it together. I'm blue, bored, unstable and panicky. I'm even, dare I say it, depressed. What the hell is that a side effect of? I took my last antibiotic yesterday and there are no more pills to take, so that can't be it. I don't get it. I thought I'd be happier once chemo was over with. But it's the opposite. I seem to be less happy. I've been working so hard at protecting myself and keeping my head above water while the cell killing juice works it's magic and saves my ass... Maybe it's just all catching up to me now that my guard is down. In other words, I'm crashing. Hard.

I have also lost my entire muscle mass. I guess it took 6 rounds to kill off all my muscle cells. They hurt for no reason and are very weak --almost fell getting off the bus the other day. Wanted to start running again next week, but that just might kill me. At least my appetite has returned to normal after the steroids almost made me open my own restaurant. Sigh, my arms are the size of huge sausages, and I feel like one big blob of fat. I think I look like one too. Actually, it's more Dopey or Buddha I see when I look in the mirror. Not a good thing. Where did I go?

Have I wallowed enough? I hope that soon I won't feel the need to. I've gotta be in here somewhere...

Mean beached whale

So my heart hurts and keeps racing. For the last few days, I've been having what feels like heart muscle cramps, or lung cramps or something else located in my chest. Whatever it actually is, it's nothing if not disconcerting. It's worrying me quite a bit because I saw my nuclear cardiac test results in my chart and it said "abnormal" on it. Also, last time I was in the hospital, the emergency doctor asked me if anyone had ever mention to me a heart murmur. GREAT. What now? I see my oncologist next month for my follow up, so I'll ask to have those results explained to me --will also be getting another cardiac test. That's routine after chemo.

Add this heart stuff to me looking like a beached whale with all this steroid swelling, and the overall aggressiveness, mood swings, crying fits and irritability I've been experiencing (another steroid side effect), you get one messed up girl. Thank god D and C de Lune know me enough to know that I'm acting out of character. Not sick per say, just drugged out of my mind. I don't remember it being this bad the last couple of rounds, so I guess it's the accumulation in my system. Once I'm done the antibiotics, I think I'm going to fast for a day or two, drink lots of lemon water and detox the crap out of myself (no pun intended). But for now, I'm terrified this is not temporary. I don't want to stay swollen and mean for the rest of my life. An unreasonable fear, maybe. But still a very real one.

Tunnel, light...

So that's it. I'm starting to feel better after my last ever chemo. And I mean EVER --will do whatever it takes to keep it that way. But as I say that, if it ever was to happen again, I know I would get through it. I took my last anti-nausea pill a few days ago and my last steroid last night. I still have to get through day 5 to 10 of the round, which is when I have no immune system. Today is day 7. Got a whole bottle of antibiotics to get through before I'm clear of infections. Next week the picc line comes out before the beach trip. Looking forward to that, although it is a great invention I have very much appreciated. Lets just say I avoided about 15 blood tests and 10 IV's by having it - and that's lots and lots of painful, yucky needles.

Once this cancer experience is over, I want to use my blog to talk about what I'm learning in my research to be healthy, and make sure me and my loved ones live in a healthy environment. I don't wanna preach or become a nut case about it -- just share what I know. All those chemical, toxins, hormones and processed crap out there seems so overwhelming and unavoidable, but if you think of a few years ago, no one wanted to hear or to talk green. And look what's happening now...

Chemo round #last-and-never-again

Tomorrow is my last chemo round and my friend L is coming with me. Not sure how I feel about it--the chemo, not the friend coming with :). It's somehow a bitter sweet experience and I'm not sure why. Will try to talk it out and see.

The biggest part of me, the self preservation part of me is beyond-words-happy about it. The roller coaster of illness ends, the threat of infection and possible death goes away (that's a big one), the picc line gets removed (hurray for real bath and swimming), my hair, eye brows and eye lashes starts growing back, and I recuperate for 3 months. Work starts again in early October and life goes on. However, it's not over yet: major surgery is yet to come and the oncology team will try to get me to go on the anti-hormone therapy.

The other part of me if worried. Chemo and being sick has been part of my life for the last 4 months. Cancer has had been part of my life since October. I know it sounds odd and possibly wrong, but I got used to it and it's part of my life now. How will I adapt to normal life again? How will I feel about not being followed closely by my doctors and nurses? How will it be to be like everyone else again? I'm not stupid --I know this is all good and I never want to be on chemo again. I'm just feeling odd.