Blue is the only colour

3 weeks since my last chemo --I would be getting another round tomorrow if I wasn't done. I'm feeling more exhausted than ever before and a complete emotional basket case. I can't seem to keep it together. I'm blue, bored, unstable and panicky. I'm even, dare I say it, depressed. What the hell is that a side effect of? I took my last antibiotic yesterday and there are no more pills to take, so that can't be it. I don't get it. I thought I'd be happier once chemo was over with. But it's the opposite. I seem to be less happy. I've been working so hard at protecting myself and keeping my head above water while the cell killing juice works it's magic and saves my ass... Maybe it's just all catching up to me now that my guard is down. In other words, I'm crashing. Hard.

I have also lost my entire muscle mass. I guess it took 6 rounds to kill off all my muscle cells. They hurt for no reason and are very weak --almost fell getting off the bus the other day. Wanted to start running again next week, but that just might kill me. At least my appetite has returned to normal after the steroids almost made me open my own restaurant. Sigh, my arms are the size of huge sausages, and I feel like one big blob of fat. I think I look like one too. Actually, it's more Dopey or Buddha I see when I look in the mirror. Not a good thing. Where did I go?

Have I wallowed enough? I hope that soon I won't feel the need to. I've gotta be in here somewhere...