I hate chemo

Back from third and final FEC. Next time, they change my chemo cocktail, one where they stick my hands in ice during the treatment to protect my fingernails. The things I have to look forward to. My friend J came along today and managed to make the experience a pleasant one. What won't trashy magazines and good conversation do? Now the nausea, the headache and the all around yucky feelings are coming. I hate chemo. I know, who doesn't? I still wanna say it out loud. I can still smell the rubbing alcohol on me and it's making my stomach complain, just like I am now. I hate that smell now. I'm grouchy. And now I'm reacting to the picc in my arm and it was itchy as hell--seems their cleanser is bad on my skin, and the thing is slowly coming out. Grrr. I want all this over with. Come on July! At least my blood test was normal. Just in time for the Swin flu. But now, I have antibodies to fight it off.

Some nothings

I got nothing. Really, lately, I don't have much to say. Same old, same old. I'm feeling good but tired. It takes more mental energy to motivate myself to do anything. But once I get started, I can usually do whatever it is I'm doing.

The picc line in my arm is starting to bother me. My skin is getting itchy and rashy. Great. Got 2 more months of it to tolerate. Looking forward to the real bath I can take when it's removed --a bath without my left arm poking awkwardly out of the water...

Next Thursday is Black Thursday #3, the half way mark. The smell of those instant hand disinfectants and rubbing alcohol turns my stomach now, since chemo smells of that. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it. My oncologist told me that some women get nauseous just by seeing the highway exit to the cancer centre. Yeah, I understand that.

I'm worried about this new killer flu from Mexico. The last thing I need is a supervirus I can't fight off. Really, it would kill me if I caught it. So if you've been to Mexico lately, don't come near me please. It's really hard to be extra careful to not get sick. I hope the probiotics and the vitamins can continue to give me a hand with that. Although, I'm feeling a cold coming on.

Inside and out

Back in November, when I had just been diagnosed, I read in a book how cancer can make friends disappear and I couldn't believe how that could be. But I've witnessed it. Close friends have stayed, but some people I've known for a long time, people who were part of my daily life have gone away. And I don't mean not calling as often --many of my friends don't want to overload me right now and I get that. What I'm talking about here is those who have disappeared for good.

At first I took it personally, but now I think I get it. Cancer brings out various reactions and emotions in people --so many of us have been touched by it, have lost loved ones to it. And although I can't be blamed for having cancer, how I deal with it might not be acceptable to everyone. For example, my close friend V told me she has a friend who dealt with breast cancer by disappearing for 6 months. In my case, I'm dealing with it like I deal with everything else, by sharing it with my world. So a private person who has lost a loved one to this disease might not approve of how I'm coping, would probably not want to hear about my experience. It could bring out feelings they have dealt with in the past that they don't want to revisit. This is just a theory, but it seems right to me. I get it. The other thing I can think of that might make someone go away is fear. Anyone who cares for me has no choice but to live with this part of me right now --the fact that this could kill me, that they could loose me. Unlikely at the moment, but the odds that my life has been shorten is very real. I guess I also freak people out, reminding them of their own mortality. Oblivion is a safe place to live. And really, cancer is no fun. Why would anyone want it in their life if they could avoid it.

In exchange, people who have traditionally been at the periphery of my life have been taken more space. A few old friends who I had lost touch with awhile ago have also shown up again. For that, I am grateful. Disease is an odd thing, so much harder on the inside of people than the outside. I learn about it every day.

Sunshine outing

Went out today, first time alone since the last round. Odd that I got better on Sunday and worse the 2 following days. I think it's probably due to having some leftover medication in me, enough to keep the nausea at bay, not enough to make crazy. I wonder if in the next --and LAST 4 chemo rounds if I can figure out the perfect medication mix. Maybe I can just suck it up.

The outing left me very tired. I walked a lot in the sunshine which felt great, but I took the bus too so I hope no bus people gave me something nasty. Good thing I didn't kiss any of them. What I like the least about this bald head is it announces my disease to the world. When I still had my hear, I looked normal, healthy. Now everyone can guess my fate. My friends and family knowing is one thing, it's support and love. Having strangers know is intrusive and annoying. But whatever, I only have 4 more nonconsecutive weeks of hell, a month in total. I can cope. Then I wonder if they'll do my reconstruction this fall instead of waiting a year. Maybe if I ask nicely. There are so many nice tops and dresses I want to buy for my new-no-bra-forever body. It will please me.

Nasty nausea

Today, 5 days after the last chemo round, has been one of the worst nauseated days of my life. Ugh. It sucks doubly since some of my girlfriends are going out for desert and drinks tonight. I don't see them often and I wish I was well enough to go. And now my nose is overly sensitive, something that happens to me about once a month. It doesn't help the nausea to have everything smell so yuck. It really is like when I was pregnant --nausea, nose sensitivity, tiredness, grouchyness, the works. And to top it off, I will end up with a life at the end of this 9 month period. I thought I would be better after a few days, but apparently it takes the full week. The only time I was ok was for the Metric concert, thank god! Eating seems to help, but I can't go on eating all night. I'm not taking the medication because one or more of them make me hyper and the others make me sleepy. Very, very bad combination. I took Gravol, but I'm not sure if it's helping. It's hard to keep my spirits up when I feel this way --seems I'll never get better. I guess I need to focus on July 2nd, the date of my last round. When I get better the week after that, i will stay better. At least, that's the plan. I'll never take my health or the health of my love ones for granted again.

My last blood test showed that my white blood cell count is low: it's 3.5 and normal it between 4 and 12. I dropped from 7.5. It seems to be enough for me so far, touch wood, since I'm doing ok on the cold, flu and infection side of things. I wonder if the probiotics I'm taking are helping with that. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if I got sick. I'm just hoping to stay infection free and out of the hospital. My platelets count is very good, which explains why i wasn't feeling too tired the last weeks.

Last night, C de Lune was upset. She told me at bedtime that she doesn't want to go to school anymore because she thinks of me and misses me while she's there. I promised her I would always be there for her and I plan to keep that promise. She asked me to stay in bed with her all night and she gave me massages, cuddled me and fell asleep holding my hand. She told me she wants to live with me forever even when she has children. I'm sure she'll change her mind, but it sounds nice to me right now! That was a night I tried to memorise as much as I could because I want to keep it with me forever.

Round 2

This chemo round didn't leave me as sick as the last one, although I didn't come out of it scott free. Easter diner last night ended up a semi-bust, with me pukey and not being able to eat, C. de Lune sick and crying from an almost black eye my right heel gave her, D sick and my sister-in-law trying to not get sick. Oh well, I'm better today, but I woke up this morning feeling like I was on a hangover --must be all the medication. Trying to not take any today, since we're going to see Metric at Live Lounge tonight even if it kills me (D won tickets, hurray!)

Blog writing

I never thought this blog would mean anything to anyone but me. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't exist just for my sake. I started writing it to give the people in my life updates when they didn't have the nerve or the time to ask me how I am. But I never thought I could do something with it --make people aware, help people cope, make people appreciate what they have. But many of you have told me, have thanked me for writing. I guess for me, putting my mental ducks in a row and sharing my feelings with you is a big part of how I cope. Cancer didn't change me. I deal with it the way I deal with everything else --by talking about it and letting people in. It helps. I don't have infinite strenght, but I'm stubborn as hell and I can't stop smiling. I just don't know how to do that.

Adaptagirl

I must have an adaptation superpower. Really. Adaptagirl, that's me. Give me a few days and I can get used to pretty much anything. What's the saying? When you live in poop long enough it stops stinking? In my case it seems my nose can ignore the smell pretty much right away. I knew that, but I guess I'm surprising even myself right now. I'm feeling ok about my looks, even, gasp!, good... that doesn't mean I'm happy this is happening. It's quite the opposite, actually.

But lets look at this objectively. Since Christmas, my physical appearance has changed drastically --I've lost 10 pounds, I no longer have breasts and now, I am bald. This is big, there's no disputing it. I cried tears of desperation on Wednesday night as I tanked down the boozy drink D gave me while he choped all my hair off. I wasn't ready. I don't have a problem with short hair, I like it a lot on myself, but short is not what I wanted. And I didn't have a choice, that's the worse part.

At first, I felt I looked like I had just escaped from the Twelve Monkeys movie set. I felt exposed and raw, older looking and serious... like my "childlikeness" had been yanked out of me. I tried wearing scarves just like I had tried wearing prostetics, but it's a hassle. I'm lazy and I don't have much patience for it. Besides, there's only so many people you love who can tell you you're beautiful the way you are before you start believing it. I think that's what's happening --I'm letting go of her, that person I was, that person I liked, and accepting this new person who stares back at me in the mirror. She doesn't look half bad if I don't compare her to the person I was. And no, she doesn't look childlike, but that's been replaced with something. I can't put my finger on what that is...but I like it.

It's time

Saw my oncologist today. Well, not him, one of the doctors that works with him. I imagine him in a big chair in the back room, answering all the questions the minions --i.e. other doctors and the nurses-- throw at him. That's probably exactly how it is.

It appears my allergic reaction was triggered by one of the anti-nausea medications, not chemo. If it had been from chemo, it would have been instantaneous. Apparently, reactions to this drug are quite common, 1 out of 5 people have it, just in different forms. My reaction was extreme to say the least. This is fine, since there are plenty of anti-nausea meds out there. Nevertheless, I'm sure they'll keep a close eye on me next Black Thursday, April 9th. And it seems I was also very sick, comparatively speaking. Next time I have to be ok by Sunday night, since we are off to the Metric concert, which I refuse to miss.

Now about my hair. It's coming out a lot. Not in big chunk, but lots of it at a time. Very messy. I think I left my DNA in every trash can I saw today. My scalp is also very sensitive, like I've been wearing a ponytail for months. I think it's decided that it's coming off tonight. I washed it for the last time and waited for it to dry. It's dry now. I guess it's time. I don't wanna.