can get used to pretty much anything. What's the saying? When you live in poop long enough it stops stinking? In my case it seems my nose can ignore the smell pretty much right away. I knew that, but I guess I'm surprising even myself right now. I'm feeling ok about my looks, even, gasp!, good... that doesn't mean I'm happy this is happening. It's quite the opposite, actually.But lets look at this objectively. Since Christmas, my physical appearance has changed drastically --I've lost 10 pounds, I no longer have breasts and now, I am bald. This is big, there's no disputing it. I cried tears of desperation on Wednesday night as I tanked down the boozy drink D gave me while he choped all my hair off. I wasn't ready. I don't have a problem with short hair, I like it a lot on myself, but short is not what I wanted. And I didn't have a choice, that's the worse part.
At first, I felt I looked like I had just escaped from the Twelve Monkeys movie set. I felt exposed and raw, older looking and serious... like my "childlikeness" had been yanked out of me. I tried wearing scarves just like I had tried wearing prostetics, but it's a hassle. I'm lazy and I don't have much patience for it. Besides, there's only so many people you love who can tell you you're beautiful the way you are before you start believing it. I think that's what's happening --I'm letting go of her, that person I was, that person I liked, and accepting this new person who stares back at me in the mirror. She doesn't look half bad if I don't compare her to the person I was. And no, she doesn't look childlike, but that's been replaced with something. I can't put my finger on what that is...but I like it.
1 comment:
Hey Angele!
There aren't many women who could make having no hair look good. I know it wasn't a choice on your part but I think you look fantastic. :) I also think getting a tattoo at the end of your treatment would be an awesome idea.
I am very thankful for how much you have opened my eyes about cancer. Many family members have suffered with cancer but I always shrugged it off thinking "Yeah that's them - I'm too young for it to happen to me." Reading your blog I know and realize it can hit you at any age. Jedidja and I have been making small adjustments around our homes for a healthier living environment. We even went as far as contacting the company supplying our water at my work to make sure their bottles don't contain BPA. They thankfully don't. All the cheap plastic cooking utensils and microwave dishes are also getting thrown out. It is really scary how much of that stuff is around and you just don't realize.
Thank you for opening my eyes on this. You are a very brave and strong woman. I look forward to seeing you, Shaggy and Claire when you visit this summer. :) We can all have some of Jedidja's hand raised chickens for a meal. :)
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