Nightmare #4

This chemo round has floored me. Different from the others, but flooring none the less. It's Wednesday and I don't think I'm anywhere near better. The absence of nausea is nice, but my body hurts is so many different ways I feel I'll never be better. My bones ache, my joints ache, my chest hurts, my head pounds, my jaw is very sore, my intestines are doing stuff I've never experienced, my nose is so dry it's full of sores and I'm weak. Yes, I'm one pile of grossness at the moment and I'm near melting down. The only place I feel relatively fine is in the tub. I'm tired of telling my child her mummy is sick and to be careful. No child should have to be careful to not hurt their parent. I want out of this nightmare. Now please.

Head down

Well, it was too good to be true. I woke up lightheaded this morning and fought with my dropping blood pressure all day. Head down! Head down! I looked odd sitting on my front porch with my head between my knees. At least I'm not nauseous, but the rest of my stomach isn't so happy. My immune system is definitely taking a hit from this chemo cocktail. I can feel it. My child has pointed out the odd colour and size of my tongue. Nice. But she doesn't seemed bothered by it. None of this seems to bother her too much. The phrase "going with the flow" must be her motto. As for me, I really hope I can fight off infection --I have an 80% chance of not ending up in the hospital in the next 12 weeks. Good odds, but i also had an 80% of not having a positive cancer biopsy back in November. I guess we'll see.

Good day

I'm actually doing well today. No nausea at all. I'm not stupid though, I'm taking the meds. I feel tired but I can't sleep becase of the steroids. No worries, there's only one dose left and apparently I'll crash tomorrow. We're keeping an eye on allergic reactions, and around my eyes seem darker than usual, but I haven't even felt the aches and pains. Yet. The thing is, I can't help but wait for it all to hit. Something, anything. I did just have a dose of detergent chemo injected in my veins. For now though, I feel greateful for the break. And maybe, just maybe, I won't get an infection and the last 2 chemo rounds will be as smooth as today. I hope I haven't spoken too soon...

Dirty veins

Saw my oncologist today for my follow-up appointment. I actually got to see Dr Stan the Man, a rare occasion. I like him, he's easy going. Apparently, I'm doing well and he's happy with my progress. I guess by body is responding to the treatment, chemo wise, that is.

Tomorrow is a new type of chemo. This one shouldn't make me as nauseous, maybe not at all. And it has a different smell. Halleluya! Although just going to the cancer centre makes me nauseous now. Anyways, that's all good news. The bad news is it'll give me aches and pains. I wonder which is worse. But if baths and Tylenol can control the aches and anti-nausea pills (including synthetic m-j pills, heehee) control the nausea, I should be all set. They gave me steroids to take for 3 days to prevent an allergic reaction to the new chemo because of it's composition. The chemo itself is an insoluble plant dirivetive, so to make it injectable, they mix it with...wait for it...detergent. Yes, that's right. I guess my veins are dirty. I said to my doc "that's insane!" for which he answered "not insane, cool!" Yeeeaaahhh.... Doctors have an odd sense of what's cool. Gotta love 'em. I might have trouble sleeping high on stereoids, so I got the ok to take a sleeping pill. All these pills to counter the other pills' side effects. It would be "funny" if I could make a full circle where the last pill's side effect is fixed by chemo. Would that be like taking none of them?

Sick of it

I haven't posted much lately. I guess it can be explained by the fact that I'm so sick of cancer, no pun intended. I don't wanna dwell on it anymore. I'm so incredibly tired of it and I want to be over it. I just want to move on. Which makes me think:

I'm not sure if I told you this yet, but I found out the nurse that comes to my house every week to tend to my picc line and my general well being had breast cancer 7 years ago. She's fine now and looks healthy. I also found out she grew up on the same street in Gatineau as I did, and she was a teen when I was a young child. I remember her house as being the scary Halloween house. It's a very small world. Anyways, I'm writing about this because I was wondering how she could possibly have put cancer behind her when she has to work around it everyday. She's a home care nurse so she tends to cancer patients' needs all the time --like me. I know that when I'm done with this god forsaken chemo, I want to eradicate all evidence of it and rid my life of all that reminds me of it. Don't misunderstand me, I'm grateful there's a medicine out there that is reducing my recurrence chances by 60%, but I'm not going to pretend it's nice. I'm convinced in 50 years, we'll call chemo barbaric. A miracle pill might exist. This doesn't mean I wish to forget I had cancer --I don't. It's part of who I am now. I don't wanna forget what I'm learning, what my awesome friends are doing to help, or how my family is showing me how they can cope with this. But for the sake of my stomach's stability, I have to forget about chemo.

Curious Experiment

Lots on my mind lately. I'm over hump #3 --a doozy. There's always a particular bad day. Unfortunately, it's never the same day, so I can't predict it. Also, nausea seems to come and go, surprising me, and getting very, very bad in as little as 5 minutes. I ate a lot this time and got my meds right, so that worked. But the smell of chemo turned my stomach ever more than usual. It's absolutely horrible what it does to me, I can't really describe it. It makes me understand the power of my mind though. How can a smell which is fine on it's own, make me have such a strong physical reaction? Makes me wonder what else my mind can do. I will find out and use my powers for good, not evil...

I'm having a difficult time staying strong. I'm worried chemo has tainted my life forever, that I'll have to get rid of everything that reminds me of it in the future in order to be happy. A friend of mine reminded me that I'm not as strong as I am resiliant. I bounce back easily, and I'll bounce back from this like I have after every other bad experience I've ever faced. I know that's true. One day can make a huge difference in the way I see things. Was I born with this ability or is it a result of my difficult childhood?

I still get the "Why me?" feeling. The disbelief. Cancer? Hun? Say again? I'm cancer free now, so why am I still reacting this way? Chemo is the hardest thing I have even gone through, a little glimpe of hell and I think it's screwing with my head in more than one way. I catch a glimpse of myself in the shower door reflexion and can't believe that's me. That bald, breastless 35 year old woman. It's funny, because it's the 35 that surprises me the most! Seriously, I know, you all say I'm beautiful regardless, that my skin shines and my eye colour pops out. You also remind me that my spirit is what makes me attractive and that hasn't gone anywhere, and I believe you.

But think about it, really. Close your eyes for a few seconds and think of a you without your hair and/or your breasts. How does it feel? Terrifying? Absolutely. I would love to do a little experiment --tell random women their hair will be chopped off and they'll loose one bra size over night, and see their reaction. Of course, some women are laid-back-whatever-bring-it-on kind of women, but most would freak out at only one of these scenarios, never mind both. We put a lot of feminine importance on our hair and our breasts. Like a chesty Samson, the power "appears" to be there. That's what I live with right now. I'm not unhappy and I'm not wollowing. But temporary or not, it's taking everything I have to get through it.