Curious Experiment

Lots on my mind lately. I'm over hump #3 --a doozy. There's always a particular bad day. Unfortunately, it's never the same day, so I can't predict it. Also, nausea seems to come and go, surprising me, and getting very, very bad in as little as 5 minutes. I ate a lot this time and got my meds right, so that worked. But the smell of chemo turned my stomach ever more than usual. It's absolutely horrible what it does to me, I can't really describe it. It makes me understand the power of my mind though. How can a smell which is fine on it's own, make me have such a strong physical reaction? Makes me wonder what else my mind can do. I will find out and use my powers for good, not evil...

I'm having a difficult time staying strong. I'm worried chemo has tainted my life forever, that I'll have to get rid of everything that reminds me of it in the future in order to be happy. A friend of mine reminded me that I'm not as strong as I am resiliant. I bounce back easily, and I'll bounce back from this like I have after every other bad experience I've ever faced. I know that's true. One day can make a huge difference in the way I see things. Was I born with this ability or is it a result of my difficult childhood?

I still get the "Why me?" feeling. The disbelief. Cancer? Hun? Say again? I'm cancer free now, so why am I still reacting this way? Chemo is the hardest thing I have even gone through, a little glimpe of hell and I think it's screwing with my head in more than one way. I catch a glimpse of myself in the shower door reflexion and can't believe that's me. That bald, breastless 35 year old woman. It's funny, because it's the 35 that surprises me the most! Seriously, I know, you all say I'm beautiful regardless, that my skin shines and my eye colour pops out. You also remind me that my spirit is what makes me attractive and that hasn't gone anywhere, and I believe you.

But think about it, really. Close your eyes for a few seconds and think of a you without your hair and/or your breasts. How does it feel? Terrifying? Absolutely. I would love to do a little experiment --tell random women their hair will be chopped off and they'll loose one bra size over night, and see their reaction. Of course, some women are laid-back-whatever-bring-it-on kind of women, but most would freak out at only one of these scenarios, never mind both. We put a lot of feminine importance on our hair and our breasts. Like a chesty Samson, the power "appears" to be there. That's what I live with right now. I'm not unhappy and I'm not wollowing. But temporary or not, it's taking everything I have to get through it.