Inside and out

Back in November, when I had just been diagnosed, I read in a book how cancer can make friends disappear and I couldn't believe how that could be. But I've witnessed it. Close friends have stayed, but some people I've known for a long time, people who were part of my daily life have gone away. And I don't mean not calling as often --many of my friends don't want to overload me right now and I get that. What I'm talking about here is those who have disappeared for good.

At first I took it personally, but now I think I get it. Cancer brings out various reactions and emotions in people --so many of us have been touched by it, have lost loved ones to it. And although I can't be blamed for having cancer, how I deal with it might not be acceptable to everyone. For example, my close friend V told me she has a friend who dealt with breast cancer by disappearing for 6 months. In my case, I'm dealing with it like I deal with everything else, by sharing it with my world. So a private person who has lost a loved one to this disease might not approve of how I'm coping, would probably not want to hear about my experience. It could bring out feelings they have dealt with in the past that they don't want to revisit. This is just a theory, but it seems right to me. I get it. The other thing I can think of that might make someone go away is fear. Anyone who cares for me has no choice but to live with this part of me right now --the fact that this could kill me, that they could loose me. Unlikely at the moment, but the odds that my life has been shorten is very real. I guess I also freak people out, reminding them of their own mortality. Oblivion is a safe place to live. And really, cancer is no fun. Why would anyone want it in their life if they could avoid it.

In exchange, people who have traditionally been at the periphery of my life have been taken more space. A few old friends who I had lost touch with awhile ago have also shown up again. For that, I am grateful. Disease is an odd thing, so much harder on the inside of people than the outside. I learn about it every day.