It appears that post cancer/chemo depression is common. My oncologist said that some women even need anti-depressants to help them through this phase. Every breast cancer book has a chapter on it. In my case, I can't say that I'm depressed and no, I'm not in denial. I know depression from observation and having lived through situational depression myself in the past, and that's not what I'm feeling now. I would describe it more as being in turmoil. Confusion, sadness, exhaustion, fearfulness are all feelings that come and go on a regular basis lately. But in general, I'm in a good mood and I still feel like my positive self. It's strange actually, everyone around me including myself, expected me to be over the moon with relief and joy once chemo was all done, but I'm not. "Just one more!" you would tell me "You're almost done!" That's what kept me going, even what I was chanting to myself. But, like my doctor said, women go through all this horrible mess that is breast cancer, and take up all their strength, energy and courage to keep their head above water and still care for their family that when the it's all done, they crash. I described it like this to D in the car last night: When you're in shit over your head, you get used to the smell. But back up a few feet and boy does it ever reek. I guess that's it, isn't it? What I've been through stinks so much, that I'm now terrified I'll have to go through it again. Like a little black cloud that follows me around threatening to explode on me again. 18% probability of precipitation fowever. At least, I'm not alone, I'm normal. And alive. I will get through this phase like all the other ones before it and I will not let that cloud mess with my head, or my life. It will just have to become part of the scenary.
On another note, yesterday, at my 6 month-follow-up-of-surgery appointment, I got my referral for plastic surgery. That's exciting. Next year will be a strapless summer. The bad news is my surgeon found another lump, this one under my left arm (my tumor was on the right). I'm going for another ultrasound. No one panic, I'm not. It feels smooth and it's sore, which is very different from my turmor and typical of my PMS. And lets not forget I've just had 6 rounds to nasty chemo, but that's no garantie. On the flip side, it confirms my decision to have both breast removed. Lumpy as they were, can you imagine having to go for tests and biopsies for every lump they find? I had dozens on any given month! At least that's one thing menopause would fix --period induced lumps.
Speaking of which, once again this doctor and nurse were shocked that I had had my period during chemo. Apparently, It's very rare. I shared my fears on Tamoxifen with my nurse and found out she had breast cancer 8 years ago (this is not my home nurse, which also has it 7 years ago). She shared with me that she was fairly young when she had a mastectomy on one side because the tumor was big, and she took the drug for 5 years, as prescribed. She said there were changes for sure, but in general the advantages outweighed the rest. AND, I thought she looked her age, not older, which was very comforting to me. I might be vain yes, but not so vain that loosing my hair and removing my breast was not something I was willing to go through to save myself. I'm coming around to the menopause idea. I'm starting to see it as a challenge --refusing to let it affect me.
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