Same old, same old

There is no closure. I was dead wrong. I went to my oncology appointment and was hit hard with reality. My head is still spinning and I expect it will for days. I can't take anymore bad news for awhile. My quota has popped. This is today's bad news.

That hormone blocking pill that induces menopause I didn't want to take? I'm pretty much forced to take it if I don't want more cancer. All those pathology percentages they gave me, 25%, 10%, 15%, 30%, etc, etc, etc --they were all wrong. Either I misunderstood or they weren't explained clearly. I presume it's a bit of both. Here is my reality:

-Before my double mastectomy, there was a 60%-65% chance I would get cancer again in my breasts.
-After the mastectomy, there is a 10%-15% chance I will get breast cancer again in the remaining breast tissue (skin, muscle).

In addition, and here is where it gets complicated:
-Before chemo, there was a 60% change I could get cancer again. Anywhere. Think about it. 60% is a passing grade in school.
-After chemo, i.e. right now, there is a 20-25% change I will get cancer again. Anywhere. Especially in the next 10 years. This means either breast cancer in my remaining breast tissue, or a new type of cancer, or breast cancer that has metastasized (moved to another organ). If it's breast cancer in my breast again, they'll find it quickly because it will be easy to feel. If it's a new form or cancer, well, you can imagine all the scary things it could mean. But here is the scariest of all: If it's a metastasized breast cancer, that's a stage 4 --terminal. If I get cancer again in the next few years, that's what it is.

If I take this Tamoxifen drug, my chances of recurrence would be cut down another third, to around 15%. What this drug does is acts as fake estrogen, taking the place of real estrogen in receptive cancer cells and therefore killing them. As a result, it shuts down my ovaries and induces menopause. And why do I need this?

Under the microscope, I didn't have the most aggressive breast cancer they have ever seen, not buy a long shot. But they are still worried for two reasons (and worried oncologists are never a good thing). The first is my age. I'm too young and there are a lot of years of life to save, and a lot of reproductive years ahead of me. Which brings me to the second reason: I am too fertile. I have too much estrogen in me on any average day. So much in fact, that my period didn't even stop or hardly get affected by chemo. I thought that was a good thing, but in fact, it's very bad. My ability to have babies is threatening my life. The answer is to stop it from working.

So this is it my options: menopause and all it's side effects and I might still get cancer again, or live with the 25% recurrence rate I have now. The thing is, I'm a good candidate for cancer recurrence based on estrogen. Which also mean I'm also a good candidate for estrogen blocking therapy. My cancer was fed. They can starve it.

You might wonder why this is a problem for me. The problem is I'm terrified of early menopause. More than I was terrified of chemo. Natural occurring menopause at 5o when it's supposed to happen? Fine. But not at 35. Think of someone who's been through menopause and ask yourself -- Would you want it early? Forced on you? I feel I'm f*cked if I do, f*cked if I don't. Same old, same old. I'm going to go throw up now.