Boxing week panic

Now that Christmas is over, the thought of what's waiting for me on the other side of New Years night is terrifying. This stupid book I read didn't help either --too much of a reality check. There's a saying about breast cancer treatments: "slash, burn and poison". Sounds great. No wonder I'm getting really, really nervous about all the probing and stabbing I will have to lie still for very soon. And the pain. God, the pain. And the meds. And the side effects. If I don't feel sick now, the chemo will fix that, no problem.

I turned to D last night and said : "I don't want to do this. What if I just leave it there? Pretend none of it is real..." And he said "then it will kill you". That's my reality now, my 35th year of life reality: slash, burn and poison... or die. So many women have done this before me but I feel I'm not strong enough. Blood tests make me nervous, IV's make me cry. I can't give blood, it hurst too much. How can I cope with this thing life has thrown at me? I'm so afraid of what cancer and it's treatments will do to me, the scars they will leave, the mental, emotional and physical tramas I will endure. Will I be the same person after this? Will the people I love find me somewhere in there when I can't recognise myself? I don't know how to do this, except follow my gut. And it's saying to put one foot in front of the other, not to think of what's next too much and stock up on endorphines. I'm going to need plenty.