Cancer Toggle

I'm toggling between hard core denial and pee myself fear these days. I'm still having trouble accepting that this is me I'm talking about and that I'm actually going to have to go through with this in 4 sleeps. No trap door escape possible for me, unless the treatments ARE the trap door to the rest of my life. It's just insane. Still very Twilight Zone since I often don't really see what the big deal is --it's what I'm faced with and life goes on (I guess that's the denial par of it). Then at night I lie in bed thinking of all the different procedures I'm to face and the fear I'll feel and I loose it. Although, I do like the idea that I could wake up practically cancer free in 4 days. There's no turning back now. I do, or I die. Sigh.