Ripple effect

I was so mad yesterday when I wrote a post, that a friend suggested I not post it. Now that I've calmed down, I still feel the need to talk about it, so here is it--just a bit modified.

Cancer is turning out to have rippling effects I never, ever expected. This last weekend was particularly difficult, with D handing me lorazopam to calm me down when needed. I mean, what can he say to help control my fears? No much. Well yesterday, I got into the worst even fight with a member of my family, on the phone, from work nonetheless --very professional. Sigh. They let me have it when they didn't hear what they wanted to hear about my plans. I don't think I have ever talked to them like that, like all censoring is gone, like I don't have time to be polite. Not something I ever want to have to go through again, but it was raw and honest --still, I don't think they see it that way. I know they feel powerless like a lot of people in my life, and they're not coping well. But I didn't do cancer to them, I didn't do cancer to anyone. Cancer just happened...to me. I think they're trying to do anything and everything to predict what could hurt me and try to prevent it, like telling me to give up my dog in case he jumps up at me after surgery. But instead of helping, it just added to my already overwhelming stuff. And like my friend J said, now that I'm in crisis, some people are having trouble accepting that I'm not who they want me to be in these moments.